Nerd Rant: Summer 2011 Wrap Up and the Demise of "New" Fantasy, Horror and Sci-Fi

With August coming to a close, now is a good time to look back at the last three months of movie releases aimed at the fantasy, horror and sci-fi audiences. The way I see it, the summer of 2011 was largely divided into two halves: the first half consisted of superhero movies and the second half of remakes/reboots, with the release of the final Harry Potter movie, the adaptation of the seventh book in a best-selling novel series, unintentionally marking the halfway point between these two halves. Most of the other films that don't fit into these categories--namely, Cowboys and Aliens, the third Transformers movie, and Final Destination 5--are also based on some pre-existing material (Cowboys on a comic book, Transformers on a toy line and its tie-in cartoons, and Final Destination 5 on four previous films in a series). For as much as I have enjoyed many of these movies, they left me asking this question: Where did all the new stuff go?

When I say "new stuff" here, I'm talking about movies that tell stories that haven't been seen before in any other medium (novels, comic books, TV, video games, etc.). Take Super 8, for example: It may have been a tribute to Steven Spielberg's work from the '80s, but it wasn't a direct adaptation of a story that originated from another source. There were other films like this, such as Another Earth and Attack the Block, but neither of these titles were widely promoted and distributed.

To be sure, new horror titles will be arriving in movie theaters soon--Apollo 18, Creature and Shark Night 3D--but those are fall releases, not summer releases. (I'm somewhat baffled by the fall release of Shark Night 3D, because its over-the-top plot and presentation format are ideally suited for the summer season.) There were also the sci-fi/fantasy titles of Source Code and The Adjustment Bureau, but they were released well before the summer movie season started. This leads me to another question: Have the big studios completely abandoned the release of franchise-less, no-brand-name fantasy, horror and sci-fi movies during the summer? It would appear that way, and that this is the new status quo with no change in sight.

Read on for more thoughts about this change in movie releases during the summer and what it could mean for present and future fantasy, horror and sci-fi movie fans.

Many would argue that Hollywood's current preference of superhero movies and remakes are indicative of its lack of new ideas. I would argue otherwise: It’s not that there aren't any new stories out there, it's just that Hollywood refuses to invest in them. It appears to me that the larger the media conglomerates get, the more likely they are to release new content based on pre-existing creative properties they already own instead of actively encouraging the development of new creative properties. There are a number of reasons for this, the most obvious one being that pre-existing titles have a built-in audience and more opportunities for spin-offs and ancillary merchandising, thus reducing the financial risk of their development and release.

Take this year's Green Lantern, for example. Even though it under-performed at the box office, Time Warner has plenty of chances to make its money back through Green Lantern merchandising such as toys, t-shirts, video games, straight-to-DVD content and other tie-ins. Throw in the upcoming animated Green Lantern TV series and the additional merchandising opportunities that it will create and the Green Lantern character will likely remain a profitable property even if its first foray into live-action film wasn't a blockbuster hit. (Heck, even if live-action superhero movies in general become less profitable over the next few summers, the mega-media corporations will always be interested in DC and Marvel superhero titles as long as they continue to maintain large and devoted fan bases that have large amounts of disposable income.)

For some additional perspective on this issue, I've decided to put on my old man pants and use The Numbers site to assemble a list of fantasy, horror and sci-fi films that were released during the summer movie seasons (from May to August) of the 1980s. The media corporations then weren't what they are now, and I think it shows in terms of what they were willing to develop, distribute and release during that decade. To further emphasize my point, the list below does not include sequels, remakes, or movies based comic books, toys or bestselling novels.

1980: Friday the 13th, Galaxina, Prom Night, He Knows You're Alone

1981: Graduation Day, Happy Birthday To Me, Outland, Clash of the Titans, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Dragonslayer, Escape from New York, Student Bodies, Hell Night, Condorman, Deadly Blessing, An American Werewolf in London

1982: The House Where Evil Dwells, Visiting Hours, Poltergeist, E.T., Megaforce, Tron, The Beastmaster

1983: Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, War Games, The Man with Two Brains, Krull, Yor: Hunter From the Future, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn, Fire and Ice

1984: Ghostbusters, Gremlins, The Last Starfigher, Electric Dreams, The NeverEnding Story, The Philadelphia Experiment, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, Dreamscape, C.H.U.D.

1985: The Goonies, D.A.R.Y.L., Cocoon, Lifeforce, Back to the Future, Explorers, Fright Night, My Science Project, Warning Sign

1986: Space Camp, Labyrinth, Big Trouble in Little China, Vamp, Maximum Overdrive, Flight of the Navigator, Night of the Creeps

1987: The Gate, The Believers, Predator, Innerspace, RoboCop, The Lost Boys, The Monster Squad, The Rosary Murders

1988: Dead Heat, Willow, Waxwork, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

1989: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, The Abyss, Millennium, Little Monsters

Only a few of these titles could be considered classics and many of them are low-budget rip-offs of better films; nevertheless, they are fantasy, horror and sci-fi movies that made it to the big screen (some longer than others). This meant that they got at least some attention from the public, including trailers on TV and in front of other movies, as well as posters displayed at local movie theaters and ads posted in local newspapers. This is why I chose not survey the '90s, largely because that decade saw the rise of more direct-to-video releases of fantasy, horror and sci-fi than theatrical releases, a trend that has continued to this day.

This is not to say that the media corporations have completely given up on making fantasy, horror and sci-fi movies that are not based on pre-existing properties, it's just that such films are no longer considered by the corporations to be guaranteed revenue generators and are thus given a much lower priority. Thus, they're more likely to be found in the theaters during the fall and spring months, usually when younger, budding fantasy, horror and sci-fi film fans are in school. With such curtailed distribution of new films, what could this mean for future generations of fans?

For starters, home video--DVDs, Blu-rays, and downloadable video--will be the future method of distribution for many fantasy, horror and sci-fi movies that feature unique, groundbreaking stories. I've heard for some time now that with the arrival of hi-definition home video systems that include large, flatscreen TVs and surround sound audio, the future of movie theaters could be in jeopardy. If that is so, then one of the conclusions of this analysis is that fantasy, horror and sci-fi movie fans will be among the first audiences to leave the theaters to find new releases in their preferred film franchises elsewhere.

Another shift will be on the importance of other forms of media (such as magazines, books, and Web sites) and fan-focused events (such as local conventions and film festivals), which will have to pick up the slack in promoting new fantasy, horror and sci-fi movies. This also includes the community of local horror hosts, a trend that started back in the late '50s to promote horror and sci-fi films on syndicated television. For example, in the Washington DC area alone, Count Gore De Vol still hosts his Creature Feature show on his own site, which features news about both old and new(er) horror films, while Dr. Sarcofiguy and his co-host Boo dePest are involved in the annual Washington DC International Horror Festival, which is held every October in Arlington, VA. That's right: Even though the entertainment industry is cranking out more movies per month than any previous time in Hollywood history, it could very well be up to a form of local movie promotion that dates back to the '50s to keep new generations of fantasy, horror and sci-fi film fans informed of new releases.

So there you have it. It's not that there weren't any good fantasy, horror or sci-fi films released during the summer of 2011, it's just that a certain kind of fantasy, horror or sci-fi film was conspicuously absent from theaters during those months. The patterns of distribution of new fantasy, horror and sci-fi film films have changed significantly over the last few years, and their fans will have to adjust their expectations whenever the summer season comes around. Nevertheless, as someone who grew up during a time when fans like me could look forward to the lazy, hazy days of summer to see the latest movies made by the likes of John Carpenter, John Landis, Joe Dante, Tobe Hooper, Tom Holland and Robert Zemeckis on the big screen, this still feels like some kind of loss.

Moments That Made the Bronze Age: The Death of Gwen Stacy

People sometimes wonder why I'm so big on the Bronze Age of comics and not so happy about the way things are going today (thus my blog title). I thought I'd highlight a few Bronze Age moments over the weeks to come that show why those comics rocked.

When I was a kid, my first comic book and favorite hero was Spider-Man. I truly cared about the character, thinking Peter Parker was actually just as much a star of the book as Spider-Man himself. I actually started reading the comic a couple of years after the death of Peter's girlfriend, but thanks to Marvel's reprint Spidey title at the time, Marvel Tales Presents Spider-Man, I was able to read it for the first time.

This was the storyline that, for a while anyway, shaped Spider-Man's world. The woman he loved most in the world, and potentially the one he would have married if the storyline had been allowed to progress, was suddenly killed. And this was a serious death in the comic books, not an imaginary story or hoax that would later by wiped away as so many other comic book deaths had been.

Several things make this a pivotal moment in comics to me. First, well, she died. It was the woman he loved, killed by his arch-enemy...but not necessarily killed by his arch-enemy. Oh, Green Goblin had a part in it by knocking her off the bridge, but when you look at that fateful panel as Spidey is shooting his web to catch her you see that tiny "snap" just at her neck, indicating that Gwen was alive when she fell, and that Spider-Man himself had killed her while trying to save her. In other words, Spider-Man failed in the biggest way possible.

Yes, some might say that was a cold-hearted way to do it, but I think it was some powerful writing for the time. Her father had died saving a small child a few months prior and she blamed Spider-Man for that death, never knowing that it was Peter behind the mask. And now, just as Peter is reeling from his death, he loses his love.

Her death elevated her to the status of the perfect woman for Peter. And it shocked comic fans everywhere. The storyline finished up with the death of Green Goblin by being impaled with his glider (a fate that was used in the first Spider-Man film), and he stayed dead for years afterward.

After that, Harry Osborn, Norman's son and Peter's best friend, picked up the mask of Green Goblin and came after Spider-Man for what he did (again, a storyline borrowed for a Spider-Man film...the bad one). This even eventually led to the death of Harry Osborn many years later because he'd been poisoned by the formula used to make him the Green Goblin.

So in this one huge story arch that stretched for years, Peter Parker lost his girlfriend, his arch enemy, and his best friend...and began a relationship with Mary Jane Watson that led to one of the greatest comic book marriages ever. That truly was "amazing".  It shaped Spider-Man's legacy for comic fans everywhere.

Then a man named Quesada stepped in and destroyed all of that for us.

In "Sins Past" he revealed Gwen Stacy--Peter's perfect girl--had actually had Norman Osborn's (the Green Goblin) kids. And those kids grew super-fast and tried to kill Spider-Man later. He brought Norman Osborn back, and then he wiped everything out for the previous 20 years and started all over again. Harry Osborn was back now, but Gwen was still dead. Mary Jane was not and never had been Peter Parker's wife (hey, if Quesada ain't gettin' any then neither is Spider-Man, right?). Quesada's fanboy dreams for the character were complete.

So there you have it, a moment I consider above-the-standard for the Bronze Age of comics (it may have actually snuck into the Silver Age, but again I read it as a reprint in Marvel Tales so it was Bronze to me). It was one storyline that truly did change a hero's life forever until Quesada stepped in.

As we start looking into these strong moments in Silver and Bronze Age comic book history, which ones do you think deserve mention? Which comic book moments stuck with you long after you read them?

The Thing Prequel and The Curse of The Prebootaquelmake

This October, Universal will release The Thing, the long-awaited prequel to John Carpenter's The Thing (yes, you read that correctly). Judging from the teaser poster and trailer, the prequel aims to recapture the claustrophobic look and feel of Carpenter's movie. Recently released stills from the prequel and of the prequel's creature maquettes further confirm the prequel's fealty to the previous Thing film. With the prequel's dedication to capture all of the creative traits of Carpenter's movie, it leaves one to wonder if we'll be getting more of a remake of The Thing (which is a remake itself) than a prequel.

Carpenter's The Thing performed poorly at the box office in 1982, which was largely due to its release during the blockbuster run of another alien movie, E.T. Since then, there have been a handful of Thing comic books published by Dark Horse and an intense Thing video game released back in 2002, but none of these unofficial sequels to Carpenter's movie were popular outside of the Thing fan community. Regardless, somebody at Universal still thinks that there is money left in The Thing as a franchise, yet Universal decided to invest in a prequel and not a remake--even if the prequel might end up feeling like a remake to Thing fans anyway.

Read on for more thoughts about The Thing and how it might fare against Hollywood's new breed of shape shifter, the prebootaquelmake.

I'm writing this post partially in response to another film, this summer's X-Men: First Class. Much of what I've heard about the rushed production of First Class is that 20th Century Fox made it to keep the movie rights to X-Men, instead of letting them revert back to Marvel. Yet what's particularly odd is Fox's refusal to confirm whether First Class is a prequel to their previous X-Men trilogy of films or a reboot, since there are suggestions throughout the movie that either assumption is plausible. Between First Class and the upcoming Thing prequel, we could be seeing the beginnings of a new trend in Hollywood: a studio's decision to firmly classify a movie as being a prequel, reboot or remake being rooted solely in how the film performs at the box office and in home video sales, not during the film's pre-production. This kind of film would be essentially be a "prebootaquelmake" (my term, by the way).

It's bad enough when studios make non-committal sequels for horror and sci-fi franchises--non-committal in the sense that the studios refuse to have a sequel advance the franchise's storyline in any significant way for the sake of leaving room for more sequels (which, in all likelihood, will also be non-committal). Yet prebootaquelmakes take studio indifference to a whole new level, deliberately creating stylish yet aimless movies for the sake of extending the shelf life of horror and sci-fi franchises and then letting the market--not the storyteller--be the only determining factor of what should be done next.

Furthermore, prequels are the perfect vehicles for prebootaquelmakes: They can provide the kinds of thrills and plot points with which franchise fans are familiar, while at the same time introduce new fans to the franchise who may or may not be interested in seeing previous movies in the franchise. This same kind of logic was applied to Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween (another Carpenter movie), although it was very clear from that film's product that it was intended to reboot the Halloween franchise, instead of lurking in some deliberately vague category such as prebootaquelmake.

On the other hand, First Class and The Thing have certain attributes that make them ideal candidates to be classified as prebootaquelmakes. First Class is based on a superhero comic book and because superhero comic books remake and reboot themselves frequently, it's not unreasonable for Hollywood to assume that they can't do the same with their superhero movie franchises. When producing The Thing prequel, Universal had to take two kinds of monster movie audiences into consideration: fans of Carpenter's film, and movie viewers who want to see a film like Carpenter's original but aren't interested in seeing a prequel to a film that's almost 30 years old. After all, the teaser poster only has "The Thing" as the prequel's title, which means that anyone who sees this movie without seeing Carpenter's movie could assume that this is a remake (or a stand-alone movie) and not a prequel.

As an aging monster movie fan myself, the Thing prequel raises all sorts of questions about the long-term viability of a Thing franchise. For example, if this movie makes a sizable amount of cash, then it's likely that a sequel will be made--but will it be a direct sequel to the prequel and thus be a full reboot of the franchise that removes Carpenter's movie from franchise continuity, or will the sequel take place after Carpenter's movie? Will The Thing franchise become like what Paramount has been doing lately with its Star Trek franchise reboot, where fans can choose from different "time lines" that feature similar characters and situations but still belong to the same narrative universe?

Given the nature of the prebootaquelmake, all of the questions about the future of the Thing franchise won't be answered until the box office and home video sales totals of the Thing prequel are tallied by Universal. The best outcome would be that if the prequel is a hit, Universal would put the Thing franchise into the hands of a proven creative talent to add fresh ideas to the Thing concept. (Since the polar icecaps are melting, the infectious alien invader has to go somewhere else anyway, right?) It's not like Universal hasn't done this before--just ask Hammer Films, which breathed new life into classic monsters such as Dracula, The Mummy and Frankenstein's Monster after Universal gave it the creative rights to do so.

In the meantime, I'll probably go see the Thing prequel anyway. After three decades worth of low-budget Thing rip offs, it will be great to see the same level of production quality as Carpenter's back on the silver screen. Let’s just hope that the prequel will lead to exciting new opportunities for what Carpenter started back in 1982, instead of being put back into cold storage by Universal.

Incredible Change-Bots Graphic Novel Review: More Than Just Machines!

For as much as I love robot toys, I think that many of the narratives that have been built around them are frequently hokey and forgettable. Take the Transformers, for example: The toys themselves are creative, colorful and well-designed playthings, but the stories behind them are paper-thin pretenses to sell the toys. While there are still plenty of die-hard Transformers fans out there, I could never seriously accept the blatantly absurd premise of an ongoing war between anthropomorphic, shape-changing robots from outer space.

Thankfully, there's a graphic novel out there for both Transformers fans and naysayers alike: Incredible Change-Bots by Jeffrey Brown. Change-Bots tells the story of two warring groups of transforming robots, the good (yet dysfunctional) Awesomebots and the bad (yet incompetent) Fantasticons, and how they bring their unending and aimless conflict to Earth. Read on for my complete review.

This 2007 parody is a must-have for anyone who loves transformable robot toys and remembers the dozens of cartoons, comic books and movies that have been used to help sell them to kids. Through Change-Bots, Brown expertly takes the narrative devices behind stories written for the Transformers toys (as well as their less successful counterparts, the Go-Bots) and turns them on their shiny metal heads. He pokes fun at everything from the robots' goofy extraterrestrial origins, to the strange sounds they make when they transform (or in this case, “incredible change!”), to their choice of conspicuously self-descriptive names. One of my favorite Change-Bot names is Wheeeee, the name of the robot that incredible changes into a motorcycle.

On the rear flap of the book, Brown describes Change-Bots as "part parody" and "part nostalgic tribute". This description is spot-on, and I doubt that Brown could've done such a great job at satirizing transforming robots if he weren't a fan of them at one point. In fact, much of Brown's humor reminded me of the kind of geek-friendly humor found in Twisted ToyFare Theater, so much so that Brown could've have told the same Change-Bots story with word balloons printed over still pictures of robot toys and not miss a beat.

Autobot Leader Optimus Prime,

as depicted on Transformers toy boxes ... 

... and Awesomebot Leader Big Rig,

as seen in Incredible Change-Bots.

Not only does he spoof the Transformers stories, but Brown also throws in a few jabs at other aspects of toy-centric transforming robot franchises:

* On the last page of the book is an ad for the Incredible Change-Bots Fan Club, which promises an official membership card, an exclusive mini-comic, and a hand-drawn picture of the Change-Bot of your choice.

* Change-Bots begins with two-page spreads that list every Change-Bot character (one spread for the Awesomebots, the other for the Fantasticons). These spreads are arranged like the mini-catalogs that would be included with many of the Transformers toys (collect them all!).

* One page features a detailed, painted picture of one of the Change-Bots, the Awesomebot leader Big Rig. This picture imitates the detailed, painted robot art that would adorn the boxes of Transformers toys to enhance their visual appeal.

* Even though Change-Bots is printed in English, the printing on the book's spine is entirely in Japanese characters--a clever nod to where the transforming robot trend really began.

The Official Incredible Change-Bots

Fan Club Membership Kit

Brown recently released a sequel called Incredible Change-Bots Two, which I hope to pick up and review soon. Also, be sure to check out the exclusive Incredible Change-Bots mini-comic over at Comics Alliance.

Trailer Thursday: Ghost Rider 2

With all the big hero films for this year done and over, it's time to start focusing on the ones coming out next year, I guess. Here's the first for the year, due out in February, which basically means the studio has so little confidence in it that they're hoping stacking it against Valentine's Day romantic comedies will give it a shot to make some money. Anyway...

Zombie Attack Engagement Photos: Till Undead Apocalypse Do We Part

Here's something you don't see every day: A series of engagement portrait photos that depict the happy soon-to-be-wed couple fighting off a member of the voraciously hungry undead. According to the Gothamist site, California photographer Amanda Rynda took the zombie attack photos at the request of the couple, who also provided their own zombie. Click here to see the complete set of engagement/zombie attack pics.

Zombie-themed marital activities are nothing new, although this is the first time that I've heard of a couple using a zombie attack as part of their engagement commemoration efforts. I suppose that couples who slay zombies together stay together, but I have yet to see anyone top last year's zombie wedding in Seattle where Bruce Campbell himself officiated the ceremony. For more examples of rotting, cannibalistic wedded bliss, check out the Zombie Wedding blog.

Cool Costumes Continued

Here are some more costumes that stand out from the crowd:

Captain Universe 

Though many people have held this power and costume, the basic suit remains the same for everyone. It comes to a person (or even to an animal once) whenever that being is in need of help. After the adventure is complete, the power usually leaves.

For a brief period, the Uni-power bonded with various superheroes like Daredevil and even the Silver Surfer trying to find out what was wrong with it. At that time it took on a more blended look of itself and that particular hero's costume.

The idea of the power and suit being transferred to people in need and then leaving afterward is a nice nod to heroes like Hawk & Dove, while the suit itself is a cool basic blend of white and a universe design.

Punisher 2099

Oh man, I loved this book back in the day. The re-imagining of the Punisher character is hard to imagine, but somehow they stayed true to the character while still giving us something new.

The costume gives a nod to the original Punisher suit. The skull is sill there along with newer concepts like shoulder pads and gauntlets. Unfortunately the character was killed as the 2099 line was ending.

This is one of those titles I'm hoping they'll put out in TPB form someday. Spider-Man 2099 and X-Men 2099 both have a collection, so I don't know why he can't pull one as well.

Red Hood

The first Jason Todd look for Red Hood is a winner. Completely functional in every way and about as sparse as you can make it design-wise, this really is an outfit you'd think a street warrior would grab as he prepared to take down Gotham's biggest crime bosses.

And just think, the helmet keeps him safe from a head shot if any bad guy should get lucky.

Unfortunately Grant Morrison threw him into some sort of crazy costume that looks just plain stupid. Red Hood will return to his original look in the new DC reboot, which may just be the only good thing to come out of that crazy reboot stuff.

The Eradicator

A tough-looking version of Superman's own costume, the Eradicator made his "cool costume appearance" during the Death/Return of Superman storyline time. As for his actions: think of a cross between Superman and the Punisher.

I am the first to say the sunglasses weren't necessarily the best choice of a mask. At the time, however, they did a good job of giving him a reason to wear them (his eyes were sensitive to the light) and it did add to the possibility that maybe he was really Superman in there somewhere.

I think the black-and-blue color theme worked pretty well here and for the subsequent costumes. Unfortunately he died at the hands of Doomslayer in a recent Action Comics storyline.

Jack of Hearts

 A truly crazy-looking guy, Jack of Hearts has a costume that fits his persona. Keep in mind though that the suit was needed to keep his crazy nuclear body from blowing up and killing everyone around him. That being said, it's a good thing it looked like something out of a set of playing cards when he needed it.

 This one has to be considered the most flamboyant costume on this list and Jack is dead now anyway (twice...the second time killing Scott Lang/Ant Man in the process), but he still deserves a spot in here.

Attack of the Brain-Eating Amoebas

Here's a ghastly thing that has been making headlines lately: Naegleria fowleri, a.k.a. brain-eating amoebas. So far this summer, this microscopic mind-muncher has claimed the lives of three people in three different states: Virginia, Florida and Louisiana. According to MSNBC:

"Naegleria fowleri moves into the body through the nose and destroys brain tissue, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The bug causes primary amoebic meningoencephalitis, a nearly always fatal disease of the central nervous system, the CDC reported. ... Naegleria fowleri is usually found warm, stagnant water in freshwater lakes, ponds and rivers. It can also be found in wells."

The good news is that brain-eating amoeba infections are very rare, and there's no sign of any sort of outbreak at this time. Nevertheless, the Naegleria fowleri is one of nature's many ghoulish, nightmarish creepy-crawlies, ranking alongside flesh-eating bacteria, which destroys skin and muscle tissue by releasing toxins, and the human bot fly, and insect that implants its larvae into human skin. Parasite rex, indeed.

Last Chance to Subscribe

I'm putting this out here in an effort to get more folks involved in the DCU subscription Mattycollector.com is trying to run. If they don't reach the minimum number of subscriptions by Monday, the deal is off and the DC figures we get from this point forward will consist mostly of Batman and Superman variations. I personally think it's a rip off that Mattycollector is making us hit this minimum number or it's a no-go, while their new Voltron subscription was approved from the beginning with no minimum number. I think they pretty much are just wanting a way to back out without making themselves look like the bad guys.

That being said, if you collect any figures at all, please consider clicking the link below for more info about this one-time-only deal MC is offering.

Nerd Rant: Seven Spectacular Sci-Fi Toys That Got Away

If you’ve been a horror/sci-fi nerd for as long as I have, then you’ll know this story well. You’re at a shopping mall or a toy store or a comic book shop, and you see a toy you’ve never seen before that captures something special about one of your favorite franchises. Maybe it’s a replica of something that hasn’t been made available any other way, or maybe it’s just plain cool in its concept. Regardless, you don’t have the money to buy it at the time, so you think that you’ll just pick it up later ... but you can’t, because you never see it again anywhere. Another variation of this story is that someone else tells you about a toy that’s everything you could ever ask for from a franchise replica, but you never get the chance to purchase it because none of the stores at your location carry it.

This post is devoted to seven such toys that I wanted to have in my personal collection but for whatever reason, it just never happened. Many of these toys are available on eBay right now but at prices that go far beyond my meager living expenses, so I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. (Sob, sniff.) Read on to learn more about seven of my very own white whales, so to speak, which are numbered according to my personal preference and overall rarity.


7. Terminator 2 Bio-Flesh Regenerator Play Set by Kenner (1991)

The most magnificently morbid aspect of the Terminator franchise is that it features skeleton-like robots that wear skin, muscle and blood--much like we wear clothing--to better perform their mission of killing lots and lots and lots of people. These robots were sort of like the technological counterparts to Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, minus the passionate interest in making barbecue. (Sure, there were also the shape-shifting liquid metal robots in the Terminator movies and TV series, but where was the gory, blood-soaked fun in those?)

In honor of this franchise-defining feature, Kenner released the Bio-Flesh Regenerator Play Set as part of their Terminator 2 toy series. This play set was a lot like Kenner’s Play-Doh play sets, except this involved making tiny Arnold Schwarzeneggers for the purpose of tearing their skin off to expose the homicidal machinery underneath. That’s all the play set was good for, actually--it didn’t come with any humans for the robots to terminate, nor did it include a hydraulic press that a Linda Hamilton action figure could use to crush the robots. Nevertheless, the fact that Kenner combined Play-Doh, one of their most kid-friendly toys, with the goriest aspect of a violent R-rated franchise made it worth every cent. It’s kind of like making a talking Freddy Krueger doll that says “Let’s be friends.”

I only saw this play set for sale once and for as much as it appealed to my love of gallows humor, I didn’t pick it up. Playmates released a variation on this toy as part of their Terminator Salvation line, but it doesn't use Play-Doh as "flesh" and I never saw it for sale in any store (in the US, that is).

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6. Alien Queen Hive Play Set by Kenner (1994)

Kenner’s Aliens toy line from the 90s has a very bizarre back story. The toys were originally produced as part of a cartoon version of the Aliens movie called Operation: Aliens. The cartoon took the characters from Aliens--Ripley, Hicks, and so on--and gave them a PG-rated, cartoony G.I. Joe-like makeover for the purpose of selling toys. While only a pilot episode was made for the cartoon (which was never aired), the toy line was released anyway. Of the action figures in this line, only one of them was an accurate replica of its original movie version: the Alien Queen figure that was included in the Alien Queen Hive Play Set.

This play set comes with the Alien Queen, the Queen’s egg sack (which discharges bright green ooze!), an Alien egg and an Alien chestbuster. Oddly, the egg does not come with facehugger; it instead is designed to contain and spring-launch the chestbuster. McFarlane Toys would release their own Alien Queen set a few years later that had more details, but it was much less durable and didn’t come with an egg sack. Unfortunately, unlike the McFarlane set, I never saw Kenner’s Alien Queen Hive Play Set for sale anywhere during its initial release.

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5. Star Wars Die Cast Metal TIE Bomber by Kenner (1980)

If you grew up during the original release of the first Star Wars trilogy like I did and were obsessed with it like I was, then you wanted to have replicas of the many ultra-cool Star Wars vehicles in your collection. After the releases of Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back, most of the vehicles (the X-Wing Fighter, the Millennium Falcon, the TIE Fighter, etc.) were available as the following merchandise: as vehicles for the action figures, as die-cast metal miniatures, or as model kits. Some of the vehicles were available in all three of these versions, while others were available in only two. For example, the Star Destroyer was too big for the action figures, so you could get it either as a die-cast metal miniature or as a model kit.

Unfortunately, one of the Imperial Empire’s attack vehicles, the TIE Bomber, was only available during the 80s as a die-cast metal miniature and those were extremely difficult to find. The Rebel Alliance’s Y-Wing Fighter also had this limitation, but at least that was later made available as an action figure vehicle and model kit after the release of Return of the Jedi. The TIE Bomber wasn’t that lucky and it wouldn’t become available again until its inclusion in Galoob’s Star Wars Micro Machines series in the mid-90s, over a decade later.

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3. and 4. Micro Machines Action Fleet: Narcissus Escape Shuttle and Colonial Marines Armored Personnel Carrier (APC) by Galoob (1996)

In addition to Kenner’s Aliens toy line, Galoob also released a few items for the same license in the 90s. Some of the items were part of the Micro Machines Action Fleet, which largely consisted of vehicles from the original Star Wars trilogy. Of the Alien/Aliens vehicles produced, the two most impressive and scale-accurate were replicas of the Narcissus escape shuttle from Alien and the APC from Aliens. Each toy included figures that could fit inside of the vehicles, which could open to reveal somewhat movie-accurate details. For example, the Narcissus includes a hypersleep pod for Ripley and a tiny carrier box that contains an even tinier Jones the cat. Click here to see a gallery of pictures of the Narcissus toy, and click here to see a gallery devoted to the APC toy.

The Micro Machines Action Fleet also included the drop ship from Aliens but it was not large enough to fit the Action Fleet version of the APC inside of it--a scale defect that, in my opinion, defeated Galoob’s idea of making a drop ship toy in the first place. For a drop ship replica that included a scale-accurate removable APC, you’d have to go to Japan.

I tried to find the story behind Galoob's Alien/Aliens vehicles, but I didn't find much that could be verified as accurate. I've heard rumors that even though Galoob was willing to put the Alien/Aliens vehicles in their Action Fleet line, they didn't make very many of them and they didn't distribute them very widely so I'm not sure why they even bothered at all. They also made a Predator vehicle for the Action Fleet line, the Predator Warrior Transport, but that too was under-produced and under-distributed.

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2. Robotech Cyclone Rider by Matchbox/Gekken (1985)

I loved Robotech when it appeared on US syndication during 1985, particularly the various human and alien mecha designs. I could figure out how most of the transforming mechas worked in terms of how they changed from mode to mode, but the Cyclone motorcycle remained a mystery to me. Somehow, it changed from a vehicle into a battle armor/jet pack combo for its rider, but I had no idea how it shifted its parts around to accomplish this transformation. I heard that Matchbox distributed a transforming Cyclone toy with an armored rider figure (which was originally made by Gekken in Japan), but none of the toy stores near me carried it so I was out of luck. Matchbox also made a non-transformable Cyclone to go with their Robotech action figure line, but what was the point of making a Cyclone toy if it didn’t transform?

New transformable Cyclone toys have been produced recently by companies such as Toynami, but they cost much, much more than the Matchbox version. I suppose that the moral of the story here is that if you're going to collect toys, be sure to buy them before they officially become classified as "collectible". Once that happens, the prices shoot through the roof.

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1. The Simpsons Bio-Genetic Reconstruction Kits by Caryco Magnets (1997)

I saw one of these kits for sale only once in a greeting cards store and to this day I regret not purchasing it because I never saw it for sale in any store ever again. These magnet kits aren’t much more than two complementary set of magnets, but they are based on such a delightfully warped idea that they can’t be anything other than wildly insane fun. Both sets were produced as flat 9” x 12” layouts, with the main Simpsons characters--Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie--serving as the main magnetic pieces. The kits also included smaller magnets, such as body parts and props from the show's non-Simpson family characters, such as Moe, Barney, Ned Flanders, Krusty, Sideshow Bob, Milhouse, Apu, and Mrs. Crabapple, that can be layered on the Simpson family. By combining these magnets, you could create your own Simpsons "mutations". If you ever wanted to know what an illegitimate child of C. Montgomery Burns and Marge Simpson would look like, this was your chance.

Each kit came with a primer by Dr. Nick Riviera, Springfield’s resident master of medical malpractice, that described the ins and outs of genetic mutation, as well as possible mutants that can be made with the pieces included. For as fun as these kits are, I’m still surprised that Bio-Genetic Reconstruction Kits were not released for Futurama, Matt Groening’s other popular animated series, since this kind of pulp sci-fi-inspired humor is Futurama’s specialty.

Plastic Man Cartoon

Really funny! I remember the old Plastic Man series from the 1980's, and I think this version of the character is closer to what the comics had in mind. This was a pilot for a Cartoon Network series, but it never got picked up. Instead we saw him appear in Brave and the Bold for a few episodes.

Heroes Who Need To Lose Their Powers

Some heroes lose their powers (temporarily) and manage to move on, while others seem never to be touched. Here are a few heroes I believe could truly make some great stories as they dealt with their sudden loss of power. All those comic book companies who love crossovers, you could title this one "Powerless"!

Aquaman

There are those who would probably argue he's pretty much useless as-is, but think about this one. What if this man who had traversed two-thirds of the world that's underwater suddenly found himself stuck on the other third? What incredible underwater beauty and mystery has he seen, and now would never find again?

For this "fish out of water" story (sorry, couldn't resist), he would become this adventurer similar to Indiana Jones, trying to explore this world he had always shunned while always looking for a way to return to the oceans he loves.

Let him lose his power by magical means or something. I think there's a wealth of possibilities here for the character.

Luke Cage

After decades of being the toughest of the tough, what would happen if he suddenly found himself normal again? It's easy to be courageous when you know your skin is impervious to bullets and death rays. Now imagine how hard it would be for him to suddenly realize he has limitations and can no longer "tough" his way out of everything?

I can see this easily being a powerful storyline if done right. In the beginning he might feel useless or even a little scared because he feels useless as a normal guy. Then he eventually starts to realize true courage isn't in being able to stand up to a dozen blazing bullets without harm, but it's being able to stand up to the man behind the gun and saying you will not cower even if he could kill you.

How could he lose his powers? The treatment that gave him his iron hard skin begins to wear off. Imagine that first panel when he is shot and suddenly realizes he has a bullet wound. Very powerful!

Martian Manhunter

Turning him powerless would have to involve either making him human or forcing him to stay alien without any abilities.

I've honestly never understood DC's love for this character, but they continue to make him a linchpin of the DC universe. With the guy constantly having to come to terms with who he is and wants to be, let's take away his powers. He can be the "thinker" of the JLA (even though I know he's not involved with them after the DC reboot).

Robbed of his mental abilities and super strength, would he feel valuable to a team anymore? It would give the character the chance to move beyond his past and concentrate on his future. Let him find a place among his team mates as a leader. And hey, it's not like the character isn't kind of limited enough as is. Fire as a weakness? Bummer.

Deadpool

The thing that makes Deadpool such a funny comic is the fact that he's completely reckless in everything he does because he knows he'll heal up no matter what happens. Get shot in the head? It's cool. Lose an arm? Be patient and it'll be back. But what would he be like if he suddenly knew he wouldn't heal back from a wound?

I think he'd be pretty much a coward for a while. A funny coward, but a coward nonetheless. Then his need for mayhem and money would overwhelm his cowardice and he'd be forced to go on a mission of some sort.

At that point he couldn't be crazy reckless anymore. He'd be skittish and have to be forced into a confrontation. When the bullets started flying or the ninjas started coming, he'd have to change tactics to win. It would allow us to explore a new side to the character while still giving him room to make wisecracks and be his hilarious self.

In Defense of Jaws 2

Before the summer movie season closes, I've decided to use a post to reminisce about one of my favorite summer monster movie sequels, Jaws 2.

There are some Jaws fans who consider ALL of the sequels--yes, even Jaws 2--to be unforgivable acts of cinematic sacrilege. (On the other hand, I only reserve that frustrated fan fury for Jaws: The Revenge.) Whatever its shortcomings are, Jaws 2 is actually a good ferocious fish tale. Sure, it was solely made to cash in on the popularity of Steven Spielberg’s Jaws and it doesn't really do much to advance the story of Amity Island or any of its residents. Nevertheless, I will make this case in its favor: Jaws 2 captured the paranoid fears of the water that were instigated by the first Jaws movie. In other words, if Jaws made you paranoid that an enormous, toothy fish was waiting to devour you no matter what kind of body of water in which you were swimming, then Jaws 2 shamelessly exploited those fears by presenting several worst case scenarios of monster shark attacks. Read on ...

I love Jaws because it was one of those rare horror movies that genuinely frightened me. Some argue that Jaws is actually an action-adventure film, but they're wrong--action-adventure films don't scare people about simple things such as swimming in the water. I should know because I was one of those people who was scared silly by Jaws when I saw it as a kid, and that feeling followed me around for the next few years. If the movie scared you like it scared me, then the thought of becoming part of a monster shark's diet hounded you whenever there was a possibility of going swimming. It didn't matter if you were taking a dip in the ocean, a lake, or even a public swimming pool, the monster shark fear was there. Many paranoid kooks see black helicopters wherever they go, but paranoid kooks like me kept seeing large, shark-shaped shadows in the water after seeing Jaws. (Thank you, Mr. Spielberg.)

An artistic depiction of a Jaws-inspired fit of swimming paranoia.

This wildly irrational fear serves as a prime example of how effective Jaws was as a horror movie. Depending on how you look at it, the most potent kind of fear is one that is rooted in brazen, almost hallucinatory irrationality, which in turn gives nightmarish shapes to wildly disjointed and paranoid suspicions of what might be lurking in the shadows or just under the surface of the water. A good horror film makes you jump or gives you a slight case of the shivers, but a great horror film sticks with you and has you deeply fearing the most improbable scenarios during the most mundane situations.

So what do horror movie fans do when they find a movie that's actually scary and taps into their most unfounded and downright ridiculous fears? They go out and find other horror movies like the one that originally scared them in the hopes of getting a similar thrill. Plenty of filmmakers everywhere were willing to rip-off Jaws so that they could profit from horror fans who wanted more of the same. Of these rip-offs, only Jaws 2 was willing to invest in high production values that included another full-sized mechanical shark. For as fake as the shark looks in some of the scenes (mostly the ones where you see its stiff, slack-jawed head), it still works much, much better than all of the cheaper alternatives of its time.

To successfully build upon the fears Jaws created in the minds of its fans, the production of Jaws 2 was wise enough to stay faithful to many of Steven Spielberg’s creative decisions, regardless of how many headaches those decisions gave Spielberg during the production of his shark movie. The sequel returned to Martha’s Vineyard for production, shot the boating and shark attack scenes in the ocean instead of in a water tank, kept John Williams around to do the musical score, and got Roy Scheider to reprise his role as Amity Police Chief Martin Brody. All of these elements provided the necessary mixture to create new shark shocks for audiences, but I think that the most important element in this case was Scheider himself.

Spielberg cast Scheider as Brody because he felt that audiences could identify with him. He was right: Scheider's performance of Brody made him smart enough (but not as smart as Hooper, who was played by Richard Dreyfuss) and masculine enough (but not hyper-masculine as Quint, who was played by Robert Shaw) that viewers could see him as both as a thoughtful, family-oriented everyman who is not much different than themselves and as someone who could plausibly kill a monster shark. This further works to the advantage of Jaws 2. Think about it: If you reflexively think of monster sharks whenever you're near any large body of water thanks to Jaws, then you can readily identify with the main character in Jaws 2 (a character you already identify with anyway) who believes in the presence of another monster shark even though he can't convince anyone else to think the same way.

Some may see Brody's paranoia in Jaws 2 as an unimaginative way to give the sequel a plot, but for me it was like looking into a mirror with Brody's fears reflecting my own. Indeed, the scene where Brody hysterically yells at swimmers to get out of the water because he thinks he sees a shark in the water is the best scene in Jaws 2, because of Scheider's performance and it neatly sums up how many viewers felt about the beach after seeing the first Jaws.

If I had to psychoanalyze the Martin Brody character, I would say that his actions in Jaws 2 were not motivated by fear of the water or of sharks but by fear that he would lose more innocent people due to his inaction. While we never learn much about Brody's police career before he moved to Amity, it seems that his presence at the death of Alex Kintner in Jaws was the first time Brody witnessed the death of someone due to his inaction as a police officer (i.e., because he didn't close the beach after the first shark attack). Given the intensity and conviction of Scheider's performance, I would also say that Brody's guilt probably extends past Kintner to all of the other shark attack victims from the first movie, which would make him that much more determined to act against a new threat--even though he can't prove for much the sequel that the threat in question actually exists. Nevertheless, such a difference in motive didn't keep a skittish monster-shark-a-phobic like me from empathizing with Brody's behavior in Jaws 2.

Of course, where would a Jaws sequel be without another monster shark? While the technology behind the monster shark in Jaws 2 didn't differ too much from that used in the first movie, Universal upped the ante by having the second shark behave much more viciously and engaging in much more aggressive attacks than its predecessor. (Of the four Jaws movies, Jaws 2 has the highest body count.) It doesn't matter how implausible the new attacks might be; they were all scripted and staged to take what was scary about the monster shark in the first movie and push it to a higher level.

If you already had exaggerated fears about swimming after Jaws, then Jaws 2 eagerly exaggerated them even more by having the shark successfully attacking a water skier, two scuba divers, a killer whale, a few boats, and a helicopter. The cumulative effect of these attacks (which, for much of the movie, left behind no eye witnesses or conclusive evidence of a shark attack) made the shark seem elusive yet omnipresent, just waiting to lunge out of the water at a moment's notice and devour or destroy whatever was on the receiving end of the attack. Even though the story's pacing tended to lag in the later part of the film, what kept tension going during the shark's attacks against the sailing teenagers was that their boats--some of which were made out of little more than canvas and metal beams--could easily be torn to shreds (and were) by the monster that was treating them like an all-you-can-eat buffet. Being stranded out on the open sea on a tiny, frail boat while being stalked by a monster shark is one of the worst situations that terrified Jaws fan could imagine, so naturally Jaws 2 made it the centerpiece of the film's second act.

Could Jaws 2 have been a better sequel? Yes. Could John Hancock, the theatre director who was originally hired to direct the sequel, have done a better job than Jaws 2's director Jeannot Szwarc? Maybe, but we'll never know for sure. Regardless, such matters don't keep me from appreciating Jaws 2 for what it is. So thank you Jaws 2 for taking what scared me about Jaws and then shamelessly exploiting it over and over and over again. As a monster movie buff, I wouldn't have it any other way.

A 1989 picture of Bruce, the mechanical shark from the Jaws movies,

during a tour of Universal Studios in Hollywood, CA.